top secret obama priority list

Now that Barack Obama has had a full 48 hours in office as the ruler of the free world, I'm sure he is on track to solve all of the world's problems. What are his priorities though? Luckily for my readers, an official memo was leaked directly from the Oval Office to the offices of the moneygardener. This top secret memo basically outlines what problems President Obama has solved and will solve in the months to come. To be safe, you may want to clear your Internet cache after reading this. If you are reading this at the airport you may want to install your 3M Privacy Filter now. Without further adieu here are the contents of the leaked memo.

TOP SECRET OBAMA WHITE HOUSE PRIORITY 'TO DO' LIST

• Will figure out how they get the soft flowing Caramilk into the Caramilk bar
• Make 'Joe The Plumber's' house worth more in 2009 than it was worth in 2008
• Implement universal health care without raising taxes
• Help Oprah Winfrey lose some weight, and keep it off
• Pay China back big time
• Tell Global Warming to 'Cool It!'
• Find Osama Bin Laden, Jimmy Hoffa, and Real Killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman
• Award Stanley Cup to Toronto Maple Leafs already
• Fix long standing feuds between Israelis & Palestinians, Red Sox & Yankees Fans, and Seacrest & Brangelina
• End High Gasoline Prices (completed)
• Ensure General Electric maintains their dividend
• Upgrade Costco Membership to 'Executive' (completed)
• Make Really F#cking Cold Weather a thing of the past
• Conquer World Poverty, Cure AIDS, & make Heineken and Stella Artois more affordable in countries bordering the U.S. on the North.

This would make for a solid first term and might just guarantee 4 more years.